The Hidden Agony of Loving Someone and being Someone with Substance Addiction

Brooke Tahir

Substance addiction is a pervasive and devastating condition, impacting not only the individual struggling with it, but also those who love and care for them. Personally, I've been privy to this my whole life, and it seems to hide not only in the rural pockets of this country, but everywhere we look. The pain experienced by families including my own is profound, complex, and often overlooked. When addiction takes hold of a loved one, it creates a ripple effect of emotional, psychological, and sometimes financial distress that can fracture relationships and erode trust.

The person who becomes addicted begins to go through denial since, to the, the substance is what is making the world turn around. They know they don't want it, but it gets to a point they need it.

The Everyday Fight of the Addicted Individual

For the person battling addiction, every day can feel like a relentless struggle. They may face an overwhelming cycle of cravings, guilt, and shame. The substance typically becomes a coping mechanism for deeper pain, such as trauma, mental health issues, or feelings of inadequacy, which some of my family members have described as a band-aid to deeper issues they haven't addressed. Despite the temporary relief substances provide, they are often left with intense regret and self-loathing afterward, creating a vicious cycle that’s hard to break.

Many individuals with addiction also wrestle with fear- fear of withdrawal, fear of failure, and fear of facing life without the crutch of their addiction. They may isolate themselves, believing that their loved ones would be better off without them, while simultaneously yearning for connection and support. This internal battle often fuels behaviours that hurt those around them, even when that’s the last thing they want. For me, the most difficult part was believing they didn't want me around because they didn't visit, they shut me out. I didn't want to take part in their lifestyle, but I wanted to be there for support. This is one of the hardest things I have to face in my life, boundaries.

The Emotional Toll on Families

One of the most immediate and overwhelming effects of addiction is the emotional pain inflicted on family members. Watching a loved one struggle with substance abuse regularly brings feelings of helplessness, fear, and frustration. Parents may grieve the loss of the child they once knew, while partners may feel isolated and betrayed by erratic behaviour and broken promises. Children of addicted parents often experience confusion and anxiety, sometimes carrying the burden of responsibilities beyond their years, and this becomes a part of their trauma. For me, I believed that my father didn't have any interest in me, that everything else was more important to him. I have grown up around people with substance abuse and deal with it in my day-to-day life still to this day. Some of my siblings have turned to substance as a way of coping with the trauma incurred in our childhoods and young adult lives. I've seen it all, the rage, the desperate behaviours, the yearning for support and, feeling like someone you love is now a shell of a person you once knew. Those feelings though don't even begin to touch the surface of how complex it is. When you then touch the cold, lifeless body of a loved one, you truly feel the pain of what substance can really do. It's like the devil calling their name, and they slowly get pulled closer and closer to hell because that devil takes control, takes charge, and swaps all those negative feelings they once felt for a few times of happiness and an energy boost like never before. Then hell comes crushing down on their souls, making them feel shame, loneliness, desperate, and regret.

The Erosion of Trust and Stability

Addiction in my world has seemed to lead to behaviours like dishonesty, secrecy, and irresponsibility, which undermine trust within a family. When they are confronted with these feelings, they become angry, defensive, and erratic. Missed obligations and major family events, financial mismanagement, and unpredictable moods create an unstable environment where family members feel they must walk on eggshells all the time or protect our children from it. They also put boundaries in place that are extremely difficult to place when it comes to a loved one. Over time, this instability can lead to the breakdown of communication and emotional distance.

Financial and Practical Strain

The economic impact of addiction can also be severe. Money may be spent on substances rather than essential household needs, and legal or medical expenses related to addiction can quickly accumulate. In some cases, family members may need to step in to provide financial support, leading to their own financial strain, which I have personally gone through way too many times. In the end, family seems to wear the pressure of their loved one's addiction. Often the addict will begin to sell substance to feed their habit and use substance, forgetting to do necessary things like eat and shower. People have explained the feeling of being on meth as feeling like you are superman or like you are invincible. Later on, I have seen those same people in the court system battling to get off charges for actions and behaviour undertaken whilst under the influence that never would have happened if they weren't. It turns law-abiding citizens into outlaws.

The Cycle of Enabling and Codependency

In their efforts to help, families typically find themselves caught in patterns of enabling or codependency. I can say, it's because we love them and don't want to see them without a home or exchanging sex for cash, creating further trauma and reason to use. We do it in hope that they will make a turn for the better any day now. We do it because we are scared that if we don't, they won't make that positive turn. Family may cover up the addicted individual’s behaviour, make excuses, or shoulder responsibilities to minimise the fallout, often this is to keep peace in the family or to avoid other family members confronting them about being an enabler. While these actions normally stem from love and a desire to protect, they can inadvertently perpetuate the addiction and prevent the individual from seeking help without us realising that.

The Path to Healing

Despite the pain addiction causes, families can find hope and healing. Support groups like Al-Anon and therapy can offer guidance and a sense of community, some addicts just WON'T do this due to shame, mostly. Setting healthy boundaries (which I find incredibly difficult), encouraging treatment, and practicing self-care are crucial steps in preserving well-being while supporting a loved one’s recovery journey. In some cases, family therapy can help rebuild trust and foster open, compassionate communication, although this would depend on the family dynamic.

For the individual with addiction, healing often requires both professional support and the encouragement of loved ones and without the loved ones, who do they have for support?. Understanding their daily fight, including the fear, guilt, and desperation they experience, can help families approach them with empathy and patience. Through collective effort and compassion, both the addicted individual and their family can navigate the challenges of addiction with resilience and hope.

If your family is a little dysfunctional like mine, perhaps at least one person can keep the gates open for communication and be healthy support with healthy boundaries. It can be very difficult for other family members that aren't using substances but are mentally unfit to deal with this to be exposed. If you are that person, be strong! The day will come.